


Breathe

by asandygraves



Series: TMNT Fanfiction [3]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dissociation, Gen, OCD, Panic Attack, Raphael has OCD - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Raphael-centric, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 03:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17236226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asandygraves/pseuds/asandygraves
Summary: Raph just needed to breathe. He just needed to breathe, and cover his eyes, and sit against the wall, and breathe.[Originally posted on June 29, 2017, on Wattpad and Tumblr.]





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Werepirechick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/gifts).



Raph just needed to breathe. He just needed to breathe, and cover his eyes, and sit against the wall, and breathe.

That pain he felt wasn't real, it's fake, and so is the Shredder's claws against his back, and the claws tearing out his eyes, and they didn't touch his eyes when he was fighting the Shredder, it was just his stupid thoughts, his stupid, stupid thoughts, it wasn't real, it wasn't real, it wasnt real,it wasnt real,itwasntreal,itwasntrealitwasntrealitwasntre  
a  
l

 

J  
u  
s  
t

b  
r  
e  
a  
t  
h  
e

A  
n  
d

h  
e

b  
r  
e  
a t h ed.

 

 

The room was back.

It had disappeared for a minute, (except not a minute, because the clock read 3:27, which was almost an hour after they had gotten back from the mission) and Raph could breathe again because his wall was back, and he could see the chaos of the postered, painted wall across from him, and hear the silence of the Lair when everyone was asleep. He didn't like silence, he never did, because he would get hurt when it was silent, because he'd be snuck up on by some silent enemy and killed, because Leo and Donnie and Mikey and Master Splinter and Casey and April were dead because they weren't making noise.  
Raph decided to check in on his brothers.

He silently moved, ignoring the prickling claws against his back and his neck and his eyes and the urge to press against the side of the hall as he walked down it and checked Mikey's room (ie. trash dump). Mikey was fine, snoring as loud as he spoke. Raph stopped for a second, then left. Mikey was fine. Mikey was fine.

Donnie's room was next. The nerd was asleep in his bed for once, instead of at his desk in the lab, and he looked so much more comfortable and out. Raph hesitated a bit here too. He knew they were fine, he knew it despite what his stupid, stupid thoughts said, but he just needed to make sure. And now he had made sure. Raph left.

He went to Leo's room at last. Raph stopped before entering, he saw a light under Leo's door. His mind went blank with panic, and his heart beat two inches to the left and that's where all but his body was too, and the door was opened slowly.

Leo sat at his desk, his lamp turned on, reading a book. At the soft sound of the door opening, he glanced up at Raph, and gave a weary grin to his static brother. "Couldn't sleep either?" asked Leo.

Raph almost said something.

Leo marked his book and stood up. "I'm fine." hurried Raph.

"I didn't say you weren't." Leo walked over to his bookshelf, and placed his in between two others.  
"You implied it though." Raph said, stiff.

Leo's smile slid into something more tired. "There's a difference between not being able sleep and not being okay. Although," he supposed, "I think everyone here is both on some level."

Raph and Leo stared at each other, and Raph felt cold, like ice water on a summer day was in his veins, and he was still two inches to the left of where he actually was. Leo was saying something, he had been saying something for a while. "-so if you need to talk to someone or just to not be alone, you can stay in here."

Raph really didn't want to be lectured on not thinking about controlling his stupid emotions and stupid thoughts, and being told that's why he wasn't leader. "I'm fine." His tongue was lead.

Leo looked uncomfortable. "Are you sure?"

There was silence. Sometimes it was so hard for Raph to force himself to talk.

"I'm fine."

He was still two inches to the left.

Leo didn't say anything.

Raph walked away, and ice was his blood, and the claws were at his back, and Leo was getting stabbed and screaming, and he was running and running and running and the sky was all smog and lamplight and neon and he was running fifty feet above the ground and running and running and running and running and suddenly he was a hundred feet above the ground on a water tower's roof and screaming something primal while something wet fell down his face and he could just barely breathe; and he was still two inches left of his body.

He should have shut up, but he couldn't. Everyone dying because he was dead. His broken yell, meaningless white noise, was choking him, and it was so loud that everything was silent, even his wrist slamming again and again against the uncaring water tower roof, and those claws were against his neck, and any second he was going to die, and he needed to just breathe but he couldn't no matter how hard he tried, and Raph just  
stopped  
and collapsed

 

and just

 

breathed.


End file.
